Never say never, after all what do you know?

I often wonder at the absolutes we use to describe our lives, how we perceive and define our realities. ”I will never get a good education. We have no money at home. I’ll never forgive you for what you did to me. I’ll never accept that in my life.” These absolutes have a way of forever defining how we think. They define the parameters with which we live our lives. What they also do is to give us a very misguided idea that we are somehow in control of the possibilities that life presents us. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t me to discredit the value of setting goals, having a clear plan to achieve those goals. By all means, plan away, after all dreaming big, wanting more and wanting better for yourself is the gift of intelligence. It’s the human condition.

That very condition unfortunately is also the reason we try to define our lives with limitation and absolutes. Okay so what is the point of this? It’s not the self-obsessed need writers have to be looked upon as the great fountains of knowledge (that we are). It is rather the cathartic experience of admitting these delusions of grandeur are nothing more than just that. For me it’s admitting and accepting that there are things about myself I am yet to learn. So basically I know nothing. This very important piece of wisdom came to me at a most difficult time, in the most difficult way. Yet through that difficulty I found something in myself that I had not yet known about myself. I found I really could survive almost anything and that need to survive far outweighed all the despondency and pain that I was feeling. It is quite funny actually. I had defined my life based on the perception that it was complete, that the people in the Anda inner circle were permanent fixtures. After years of living with someone, sharing the most intimate spaces you realise how little one person can truly know another. You learn how quickly wants, dreams and vision can change. Most of all I learned how painful it is to lose all. I learned the bitter taste of love and companionship when it turned to ash. It broke me in ways I could not have imagined. Being honest with myself I can honestly say I’m far from fully recovered from that catastrophe. Hell, some of the pieces still need picking up.

 

But in that darkness of divorce, I found something. I found someone. Someone I wasn’t ‘supposed’ to want. He was one of those absolutely never situations; so you see I was scared. He is young…and yes, he is a man. I thought about what this would mean for my life circumstances. How could I assess something like that? I really had no idea. He changed my life so drastically people who know me think I’ve lost my mind. I won’t lie and say that it’s been an easy road. For starters He’s the most stubborn man I’ve ever met, even more than me. He’s a millennial; which means he sees the world differently. He’s entitled and believes he has every right to be. He’s obsessed with his social media. He doesn’t watch the news, doesn’t read anything that’s not on a screen, he’s materialistic and uppity (for someone so young I don’t know where he gets it). Oh yes, he’s also a man. He pretty much checks almost every box in my ‘absolutely never’ list.

Yet he is incredibly smart, funny and witty. He makes me laugh so much. He’s inquisitive about the world and the way things work. He’s always keen and eager to learn new things (only if they fall within his interests). He is generous and kind though he doesn’t want to be known for possessing those qualities. He is beautiful and handsome in ways that excite me to heights of near delirium. He is the sexiest man I have ever met in my life. Most importantly, I love him. I didn’t think I could love again, but he taught me or we fell together, for I honestly could never tell you.

 

This is more about personal self-reflection and not about same-sex relationships or social struggles of the LGBTI community so I really won’t open that can of worms. After all I don’t want to be an advocate for the ‘culture’ because I’m finding it to be unbelievably dangerous but that’s a conversation for another day.

 One might ask what qualifies me to point the minutia of life’s intricacies, after all there’s an entire science devoted to the study of human behaviour. Perhaps nothing, for I’m not formally skilled in that area of study (I only wish). However that human condition has its upside. We are creatures that are constantly learning. Unfortunately wisdom more often than not is gained from having experienced devastating circumstances or experiences. Having been well initiated in that arena, I fully believe I’ve earned the right to call myself enlightened.